Diary of a Murderer

A strong sense of anger overtook my personality six months back, when i be a participant in the road rage accident. It was not my fault completely, but i could have avoided that. Force from the back was so strong that my car rammed into the footpath crushing a life.

Accident it was, and was recorded so in the police files. I was allowed to go home after a few introspecting questions. “Clean” the order said. But clean, i was not. My soul had a dent. Screams of dying and blood throwing bruises left a major injury to my psychological self.

Depression Victim , Depression , Negative Thoughts

I felt like dying. started to hate my self. For a moment my body was numb, not able to recollect where i am. Tears rolled out of my eyes at regular intervals and mom was constantly consoling me that it was not my fault.

How the hunger goes away. How can one live without water. Well, i realised all that in that one month.Once i was on the rooftop, but the senses were missing. “It will only be a injury with fracture if i fall from the 4th floor of the building that i was living at” I said t myself..

Mobile was switched off most of the time. Lying on my bed i stare at nothingness. Fan in its full speed forms a beautiful design, with a translucent circular motions. Its working, the fan that is, but no console. I wouldn’t have mind had i been laid on hot sand as it stopped creating any feeling in me.

I had broken a egg from the nest. I felt like a murderer. I was responsible for everything that was happening. Emptiness had overtaken the senses. Constantly looking upwards in one direction as if waiting for some one to come and tell me, that i was not the one responsible. It was all about fate, and i was just a victim of circumstances.

No body came to console. I slept at what time in night, no body knows. But the red eyes were witness enough to vouch that it was a sleepless night.

Note: Accidents are not always at somebody’s fault. That why they are called accidents and not murder. I was victimized by acute depression after that incidence, and thankfully my parents took me to psychiatrist at the right time. 3 months i had to spend in the Depression Treatment Centre. I am still on medicines, but far more relaxed. Thoughts of suicide did come to my mind, i can not deny that. But support from family and friends helps. We need to identify symptoms of depression and then look at it as any other normal illness. So that it could be treated in time and patient could be relieved of the mental trauma and pain.

Defining Life…..

Definitions:  What is Love? What you mean by Hate? Are there any Black and White or lot of shades of grey?
Obviously there are many grey shades, but if we try to black and white every thing, Put these terms to the test provided and you will get to understand what i mean to say:

 

Love: Love for me is to feel good about some body. Not any big words, no big promises, if the presence of someone makes you happy and this petty issues gives you concerns, then admit it or not you are already in love with that person. You want that person to be smiling always, whether that smiles includes or not.

 

Hate: To not love some one means to hate. Off course not to level that you want to go on and hit that person, but there are some pretty issues which concerns you.

 

Anxiety , Negative and Depression: “Fear of Failure” is what define all these thoughts. Take it on a scale of 10.

 

1-5 : Anxiety

6-8: Negativity

9-10: Depression

Anxiety is good, as it prevents you from over confidence. There is a small fear of failure before you start any thing. Just try to keep that fear under the scale of 5. After 5 negative thoughts will start to creep in. Stay far far away from that level of 9 & 10.

Friendship: The purest form of love. it can happen between your pals, boy or girl, your sibling and never mind, your parents can be your best friends.

Death: End of all emotions and not your breathe is the ultimate death. Mere breathing is not living, You must feel in order to feel alive.